I found on the web where Tom Robbins wrote 9 stories opening with the phrase: “Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to Marilyn Monroe.” So, I wrote 9 stories. Some may call it plagiarism, but I’m calling it a writing exercise.

I'm putting a link to the Tom Robbin's stories at the end of this post because it takes you away from this page instead of opening the link in a new window.

So here goes:

#1 –

Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to Marilyn Monroe. The package came back marked: “Return to Sender. Addressee will not be born until 1926.”

“What year is it?” he exclaimed. Vince’s Perelli Tire Company calendar read 1889, even though it featured nude pictures of Marilyn first published in 1953.

“Close enough!” he shouted as pulled out a 9mm Glock pistol, which would not go into production until 1982. He pumped a round into the chamber and shot himself in the chest.

He woke up a short time later, very much alive. He was an immortal artist.

#2 –

Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to Marilyn Monroe. A few months later he received an unsigned painting in the mail. It was two multi-colored swirls, as if a woman had smeared her breasts with a palette of oil paint and pressed them against the canvas.

Vincent felt very physically stimulated just thinking about Marilyn Monroe exposing herself to him in such an intimate way. He proudly displayed the canvas in his studio and pointed it out to every visitor as a symbol of his connection to Marilyn.

About a year later, Vincent read an article about a woman in New York named Brigid Berlin, who was famous for her breast print art. And, his life was ruined, never knowing the true origin of the painting.

#3 –

Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to Marilyn Monroe.

“Jesus! It’s another one!” exclaimed Joe when he opened the package.

“If it bothers you, don’t open my mail,” said Marilyn as she came over to the table. “Good! At least this one put it in a sandwich bag.”

“Whoa! Those things always creep me out!” moaned Joe.

“Fame is a bitch,” said Marilyn cheerily. She took the baggy over to a mirror and held it up to her the side of her head as if sizing up an earring. “Joe honey?” she said.

“What now?” Joe asked.

“I was just wondering?” she said. “Why do you suppose it’s always the left one?”

#4 –

Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear

and sent it to Marilyn Monroe.

And for the rest of that whole year

his skull hurt like hell: “Oh! Oh! Oh!”

So, each night he bandaged his head

until it was feeling better.

Then these are the words that he said:

“Next time I’ll just send a letter.”

#5 –

Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to Marilyn Monroe. When she died, they found a ceramic matchbox on her nightstand. A portrait of a bare-chested woman standing in front of a painting of sunflowers was enameled on the top. The ear, encased in clear Plexiglas, was inside the matchbox. The Plexiglas was inscribed “Thank You Mr. Van Gogh,” and there were lip prints on it in bright red lipstick. The publicity man from the studio palmed both the matchbox and ear. They were never seen nor heard of again.

#6 –

Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to Marilyn Monroe. A sliver of microfilm was secreted discretely in the tissue. It listed contacts and safe houses within the Dutch Resistance that were vital to the war effort. The package was opened and inspected by the German occupiers at the border. But, even the Nazis went “ew!” and passed it without looking too closely.

#7 –

Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to Marilyn Monroe.

It all started the night friends hauled him down to a little club. A band called The 13th Floor Elevators were playing. The party continued after hours. He was introduced to Waylon Jennings and somehow wound up riding across the Southwest on Waylon’s tour bus.

It didn’t get really weird until, after a show one night, some guy everybody called Possum appeared. Possum introduced him to Kickapoo Joy Juice, a concoction drunk out of mason jars. It all went kind of dark after that.

Vincent does not remember the ear incident per se. What stands out is when Willie Nelson told him: “Van Goooh, you’re one gonzoooh sonnabitch. I’ll give you that. But, Waylon can’t have you dying on his gawd damned tour bus. We got to cut you loose, son.”

Vincent van Gogh woke up sometime later at St. Mary’s Hospital in Enid, Oklahoma. An elderly nun was standing by his bed, cheerily humming the tune to Fraulein.

Maybe, he actually just fed his ear to a dog. But, he likes to think somehow it got to Marilyn. That’s the way he tells the story, anyway.

#8 –

Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to Marilyn Monroe. After that, his sunglasses never really sat right on this face.

#9 –

Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to Marilyn Monroe. Two weeks later, she was on his doorstep. With her hair and makeup done up to perfection, and wearing the famous, ivory pleated, William Travilla dress from Seven Year Itch, every molecule of her screamed “glamorous movie star!”

She gave the door a timid knock. Van Gogh opened the door and froze in rapt ardor. She smiled broadly, locked eyes with him, stepped forward, and kicked the sharp tip of her Ferragamo stiletto into his groin. That area of his body still throbbed with passionate anticipation, as it suddenly also telegraphed helpless agony.

Sheltering against another low assault, his thighs clamped his frantic crossed hands. Grabbing his necktie at the knot, balling up her fist and taking aim at the anterior ridge of his snout, Marilyn cooed: “Norma Jean is here to kick your ass, you sick fuck!”

Check out Tom Robbins' stories here:  http://www.101bananas.com/garden/moon2.html